Log in

Ask A Monster
What Would Godzilla Do?
Recent Entries 
Do monsters have relationships? If so, got any advice on how to get over someone? Someone who you can no longer be in contact with and therefore have no hope of any physical closure. Is it possible to obtain complete closure alone?

http://www.moirahahn.com/paintings/03-05/index.htmlMost Esteemed Puny Human,

Yes, monsters have relationships.  As I've implied in the past, they are raucous and often dangerous, and our break ups are truly fearsome.  Monsters know a thing or two about closure.  We close doors hard.

, knowing your human ways, I'm guessing that the inability to be in contact with this person does not mean that you have utterly destroyed them...and indeed, most kaiju foe/exes tend to pop up at terribly inconvenient times even when they've been exploded or some such.  However, face-to-face closure is unneccessary, in this monster's opinion, and sometimes even more trouble than it is worth.

The closure is in your mind.  What do you need to let this relationship go?  I always suggest a hearty period of mourning, thrashing, and wallowing, followed by heavy introspection interspersed with frenetic activity of an enjoyable variety.  You must understand and be comfortable with the reasons why this relationship ended, throw out all the cries of "But it's not fair!", and go on with your life.  It's not fair, it hurts, it's not okay, but it feels better given some time.  Your answers to the whys are all that is needed.

Nobody is perfect, not even kaiju.  No doubt your ex made some bad mistakes; I am certain you were not blameless.  We learn from mistakes, but only if we notice them.  Relationship endings are usually a product of your mistakes and shortcomings being coupled with the mistakes and shortcomings of the other, and the outcome being less than satisfactory.  Forgive yourself for the things you did that were wrong and that hurt the other, and forgive the other for the things they did.

Take a deep breath and resolve not to dwell on it, excepting possibly some rainy nights when nothing is going right and you feel the need to torture yourself with what might have been.

Then go out and flirt with as many cuties as you can find and take none of them home.  Trust me, this is good for the world in general.

Case closed, my puny human.


27th-Mar-2007 02:20 pm - Forts!
up up and atomic fire
I need advice on fort building- the kind of the pillow variety. What pillows are best to use?? Bed or couch?? How many does it take?? Are blankets key?? Is it possible to make one big enough that a body of small monster size might be able to comfortably fit??

Dear Builder,

If you can't find a good underwater cave for your fort, or if you can't breathe underwater (underwater caves work best for the amphibious, because you can go somewhere that's hard for your oxygen-dependent pursuers to follow), there are other options.  You may not be able to escape everyone who is looking for you, but most folks should notice that you are hiding out and will respect that.  Unless they are your enemies, in which case they will require stompage and atomic fire breath.

In terms of pillows, use whatever is at your disposal.  The more the better.  Big pillows work very well, but small pillows can add stability or block unwanted light.  Blankets are really, as you suggest, the key to good forts.

Basically you want to create some kind of wall structure, so beds, couches and chairs work well with blankets draped over them to form a sort of tent.  If you have a table, that can make for a quick and easy fort, sometimes with lots of hiding room underneath.   The size of your fort need only adhere to the demands of your space, your furniture, and your imagination.  If you can envision it by looking at your materials, then you can build it.

Draping sheets over a curtain rod or some kind of tent pole is also very effective.  Pillows should be used on the outside as ballast, to keep the blankets/sheets from slipping off.

You will want to have some pillows inside your fort to make yourself comfortable, and a flashlight is often a good addition if you cannot see in the dark.

Others will likely want to share your fort - this is up to you, but please be aware that you are entitled to gifts of snacks in exchange for shelter, unless they have helped you build it.

Enjoy your fort!
22nd-Mar-2007 09:18 am - So far, I have not found the science.
world tour
how do I get invited to sex parties more often?

Dear PartyGoer,

In order to get invited to sex parties, you must first know people who go to sex parties and/or people who have sex parties.  Second, you must make at least one of those people think that you are sexy.

I am not sure what qualities make humans find other humans sexy.  It is surely not for your mighty stomping ability, thick and strong thighs, or for your atomic fire breath.  Very few of you seem able to fly or smash things without the help of mecha.  But there must be something, because you creatures are everywhere.  If you have not been spayed or neutured, please consider using some form of birth control to help keep overpopulation in check.  

Anyway, once you have displayed your sex appeal to the sex-party-connected, drop hints that you'd like to attend sex parties.  Let them know that you are open-minded, able to maintain confidentiality, and not prone to excessive drama.  Brag about your sexual prowess, but in an appealing way.

Or, try throwing your own sex party.  That's sure to get you on some guest lists!

Have fun!
20th-Mar-2007 01:38 pm - Hobby machine!
world tour
O monsters,

 I have trouble balancing my hobbies and my work life. Sometimes I stay up until 4 a.m. pursuing my various creative hobbies... things that inspire me. Then I wake up late the next morning, arrive late for work, get in trouble, and can't focus at work because of lack of sleep or because my mind is focused on my personal projects.

 Is there some sort of lobotomy I can get to turn into a machine that works only and isn't interested in pursuing so many creative hobbies for personal inspiration and meaning in life?

 Should I try to find a job where I can goof off more and pursue my hobbies and things that inspire me during work hours?

 Should I turn into a dependant and live off my parents or something horrible like that to have lots of free time?

 The transition between Sunday night and Monday's workday is extremely hard. Maybe I can take Mondays permanently off and get only 80% of my salary instead, for the longer weekend.

Dear Hobbyist,

It sounds like your hobbies are more of a passion than your job, which I can understand.  I have never had any interest in doing things just for money - I mainly want to do things because I want to do them.  Of course, I am giant and nobody can stop me from doing what I want, try as they might.  Is crushing dissenters under your mighty foot an option for you?

I understand that you puny humans have a need for things like money, because you require food and your shelter needs are more complicated than living in an undersea cave.  I advise simplifying, and reducing your need for such things, but for many humans this does not seem to be an option.

I do not recommend turning into a machine.  King Ghidorah had one of his heads cyborgized, and while it gave him certain powers, it destroyed his creatitivy and made him kind of boring to be around.  That head is always focused on fighting and destroying, and can never take a break to appreciate the beauty of his destruction or giggle at how silly a kaiju looks falling backward into a building.

Can you make enough money from your hobbies to sustain your living needs?  Or at least enough to not have to work a full-time job?  I like your idea of asking to take Mondays off, or at least come in later.  Your passion is far more important than Monday morning at work.  Although I suppose it might be possible to try to schedule in work on your hobbies to ensure that you maintain a decent bedtime on worknights.

Juggling work and inspiration will always be tricky until inspiration starts paying for itself.  It's up to you to prioritize and distribute your time accordingly, remembering that you can always crush anyone who stands in your way.

14th-Mar-2007 11:45 am - The torture of house parties.
world tour
Dear Monster, I've been invited to a house party this weekend but I've never been to one before and I don't really understand what a house party is. I want to go because I like hanging out with the people who are going, but this is not my domain and I think I will be feeling shy. I have no problem going to other kinds of parties (like potlucks or knitting circles) but this is different. Can you tell me how to survive at a house party? Love, Awkward

Dear Awkward,

Ahhh, house parties.  I don't get invited to many house parties, but I've crashed a lot of them.  Mostly not on purpose...I didn't realize there were parties going on when I crashed into the houses.

So from what I understand, house parties consist of many people gathered into a relatively small space, with some flailing wildly and running all around, and others cowering in corners or trying to look invisible, or at least busy.  Usually there's cacophonous noise and a lot of yelling.  People try to look calm and intelligent when really they're anxious and rather drunk, and usually a lot of people leave when I show up.

So you can probably understand that I also feel shy when approaching house parties.  What if nobody wants to talk to me?  What if I don't want to talk to anybody?  What if I don't like the music?  What if I get into a monster fight and trash the place?  Well, for that last one, you don't invite a giant monster AND a bunch of people into your house if you don't expect things to get broken.

Here is my strategy for house parties, if I go to them at all:

- go with somebody that I like and can hide in the corner with, if necessary.  Okay, it's never really possible for me to hide, but I tend to find a quiet space and hang out there and talk with whoever comes by.
- smile a lot, at a lot of people.  They'll either be terrified of me and run away, or be intrigued and come and talk to me.
- make circuits of the house from time to time - if I need an excuse to keep moving, I'll go to the bathroom or to get a drink.  I pass through as many parts of the house as I can, and keep an eye out for people I know or people I'd like to know.  I'll talk to them for as long as I want and then keep moving...or stay put.
- dance if I feel like it.  I mostly do this if others are not dancing, because I tend to need a lot of room to swing my tail.  Mostly I just don't dance, because people can get hurt.
- leave when I feel like I've had enough.  I give it at least an hour, and then if I'm not having fun, I don't stay.

House parties are mostly hanging out on a bigger scale, with more people and noise.  So talk with people that you'd like to, look aloof and mysterious - or smiley and mysterious - when you don't want to talk, and make sure you're feeling okay.

Also, don't drink so much that you throw up in somebody's bathroom sink and then pass out in there with the door locked.  Bathrooms are precious spaces at house parties.

And if a giant monster fight does break out, take it outside.  Yeah, you'll probably still crush the house with your fight, but at least they'll remember you as the kaiju who smashed the house, not the jerk who broke grandma's heirloom china.

Hope you have fun,
8th-Mar-2007 05:44 pm - A monstrous stitch in time...
Dear Monster, I started knitting some socks in a lacy pattern and then in  transport all the stitches came off the needles. I put them back on but  not quite right. Then I screwed up the lace pattern. Should I start again, or just pretend none of those things happened and keep going?  Thanks!

artist:  Andrea CoxDear Lacy Socks,

Giant monsters aren't usually much good at knitting, because we lack the fine motor skills necessary.  However, we can sometimes find ourselves the subjects of knitted projects!  Very flattering.  Just the sort of thing I would wear on Hallowe'en.

Regarding your socks, I have found that the destruction of items can be just as satisfying - if not more so! - than their creation.  So I would rip apart the sock and start over.

Transportation can be hard on projects.  I recommend getting the world to revolve around you while you are doing your work.

5th-Mar-2007 10:33 am - Let's blow this fascist pop stand.
up up and atomic fire
Dear Monster,
Have you ever wanted to just up and move to a new place where you don't know anyone and start over?

Dear Move On,

Yes, absolutely.  I do try and travel around when I can, although wherever I go, people seem to recognize me.  It's hard to be incognito when you're a giant monster.

Which reminds me, travel photographs are coming soon, and I will tell you stories of stomping around Rome.  I was sorely tempted to stay there, despite not knowing anyone and having only a rudimentary grasp of Italian.  However, a lot of the buildings in Rome are already ruined, and it doesn't seem like they're being rebuilt, so I'm not sure how good the smashing would be.

And realistically, there are reasons that I am where I am.  I have plans to create a new base of operations at some point - perhaps you do, too.  The question is, are you putting those plans into action, or are you just dreaming?  There's nothing wrong with dreaming, but it does take effort in order to live those dreams.

As long as I'm not living that dream where Mothra's larvae cover me with webby goo.  I didn't like that dream.

4th-Mar-2007 06:21 pm - You put a U2 song in my head.
911 Emergency
Dear Monster,

Got any advice on how to make ones mind shut up about everything that is going on and how to make their stomach stop churning with anxiety and just generally stop everyday life for just a moment so that one can sit down and be sad/mad/just not okay in any way??

In Need Of A Moment.

Dear Moment,

Anxiety is horrible.  Sometimes I find myself lying awake at night with my gut churning, trying to figure out how to make my anxiety go away.  The lying awake stomach-churning is never very successful and generally makes me want to lie in bed all the next day.  I have to say, though, that lying in bed in an undersea cave is possibly the nicest thing in the world, especially because if you do have to eventually get out of bed, you have a delightful swim through the ocean to go anywhere.

In terms of getting your mind to stop its relentless chattering, swimming can be a good thing to do, as can any kind of physical exercise.  (Stomping buildings is a particularly good one.)  I also heartily recommend pet therapy if any animal will allow you close enough to pet it.

But I think that mostly what it takes to find a moment to just feel whatever it is that you are feeling is a decision to do just that.  Put aside whatever it is you are trying to get done.  Turn off your computer and ignore your email.  Don't answer your phone - in fact, turn off the ringer.  Recognize that you have responsibilities, but that your first responsibility is to yourself.  Find a place to be alone and undisturbed, and cry or rant or write down everything you are feeling or...do whatever.  Make yourself as comfortable as you need to be (build a fort out of pillows and blankets and hide out there with a pot of tea) and then do what you need to do for yourself.  Don't apologize, don't feel bad about it, just do it.  Sometimes it is extremely necessary.

If anybody gives you a hard time about it, that is the time to use atomic fire breath.  

Hoping you are feeling better,

my kid drew this
Dear monster,

I need a little love advice. Since raping and pilaging is so totally un-PC  these days, what would you suggest for a gentleman of the thirteen-year-old boy persuasion? You know it's bad when you recognize every single person who replies to your craigslist ads. So, since clomping through the city, scooping up hotties in my giant monster paws,  and taking them back to my giant monster love cave just isn't socially accepted anymore, what would you suggest?

Dear Lovelorn,

Raping and pillaging are only in fashion during the worst of times.  We are all pleased that these are not those times.  At this time, anyway.

Gentlemanly thirteen-year-old boy types are difficult to come by, so you should begin by considering yourself quite the catch.

It sounds like you've got a relatively small dating pool, if you're recognizing everyone who responds to your ads.  A kaiju can appreciate that, as there are only so many giant monsters in the world, and our breakups are bad bad bad bad BAD scenes.

So my advice is to look at your dating pool and figure out who's not there...and who you'd like to be there.  If you want to meet other giant monsters, you have to figure out where the other giant monsters are.  If you already know all the giant monsters and don't want to date any of them, then where can you go?  How far outside your current comfort range - or geographical location - are you willing to go?  Are you looking for casual dating/sex/etc, or do you want something serious?

And finally, and I think the most important thing:  Go out there and scoop up hotties and invite them back to your monster love cave.  Because all too often, people who are having trouble finding love are being less than forthcoming towards the ones they like.  Don't drag anybody back against their will, but don't be afraid to put the moves on.  If someone says no, so what?  Are you any worse off than when you started?

Wishing you happy adventures!

7th-Feb-2007 12:00 pm - Most esteemed puny humans,
It has been far too long since I answered questions, and I give my sincerest rars to those who have been waiting.  While I was recovering from my radiation poisoning, I was forced to engage in battle with a nefarious but stupid foe.  The fight was not pretty, and I was thrown far into the sea where I remained for a while.  Sometimes a monster has to choose her battles, you know what I mean?  Also, getting attacked when you're already feeling very bad does nothing good.

So I've been cranky and out of it but things are starting to even out now, and I should have more answers to your questions very very very soon.

I'm going overseas to do some rampaging in Italy starting this weekend, so you can expect another break in posting until late February.  However, you can also expect to see some photos of me in Rome upon my return, so don't be too sad.

Keep your questions coming and I will answer them.  To ask a question, just click on the "Ask A Monster A Question" or "Leave Comment" link.  All comments/questions are screened.  All monsters give their sincerest monster advice.

In the meantime, stomp around and look pissed off.  It's good for you and will keep those around you on their toes.


This page was loaded Feb 25th 2017, 6:53 am GMT.