A lot of times I feel like the world is a really limited place, like someone put a lid on the Toronto Tupperware, and I'm running out of air and new people to meet and all sorts of weird smells are starting to form. I recently met a very cute human who makes me feel like the world has possibility again. I think my crush energy is causing the ceiling to open up a little bit. How can I stop it from slamming shut again? And, more importantly, how can I open it without relying on the cuteness of others?

Dear Tupperware,

I appreciate your concern, because no monster likes to be limited or contained.  In fact, monsters of any stripe find themselves fighting their way out of all kinds of enforced prisons and throwing off the limiting chains imposed by those who do not like having their buildings knocked over or their crusty mold disturbed.

For these reasons, I try to avoid places that make me feel limited or closed in, as Toronto seems to be making you feel.  However, sometimes there is no way to avoid being stuck in such a situation or place.  In these situations, if I cannot arrange frequent escapes, I try to find things that can make me happy, at least in the short term.  Finding like-minded monsters, creating things (art, music, writing, monster treats), running around outside on sunny days, swimming - these are all ways that a monster can improve her existence.

Crush energy is also one of those ways, because having a crush increases the possibilities of the world.  However, one must be vigilant so as not to pin all of one's hopes and dreams on a single person, who is, after all, only human and fallible.  Experience has taught me that humans try hard but sometimes disappoint despite their good intentions. It is important to spread your energy to as many creatures who help you feel happy and hopeful and excited about the world, for these are also the creatures you will turn to for support and comfort during the times when you feel sad and dismayed and exhausted by the world.

The world operates in cycles, and during the times of possibility one must raise the ceiling as much as possible so that there is more space and time before it slams shut again...unless you can find a way to remove the lid altogether.

I also recommend frequent washing of your environment to banish stinky smells.

Good luck to you, puny human.

Sincerely,

monstrosity

(first image courtesy of http://www.blackwagon.com/black-wagon/tbl.html)
(second image from Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster)

how do i make more people have irresistible crushes on me?



Dear Crush Wanter,

After confirming with a human expert that you were likely not expressing a desire to play immovable object meeting irresistible crushing force, I have given considerable thought to your question.  I have much to tell you about the previous idea, but my source tells me that you want people to find *you* irresistible and want to crush you with love and desire.  This, my puny human friend, is easier than you think.

There exists a simple secret to being irresistible, and it is this:  Find yourself utterly irresistible, revel in it when you are alone, and go out into the world having forgotten about it but with that knowledge in the back of your mind.

No, I do not, as you humans say, kid.  I am as serious as only an irradiated giant reptilian monster can be.

Discover all the things about yourself that are wonderful and amazing.  Tremble in awe of your atomic fire breath!  Marvel at the mighty circumference of your thighs!  Delight in the happy thrashing of your powerful tail! 

Then, forgive yourself for all the ways you disappoint yourself.  "Chin up, puny self," you might say.  "You are doing the best you can.  And your best is mighty fine indeed." Think again on how much you love your secondary brain that helps you walk.  Remind yourself of your fantastic ability to stomp a squadron of tanks without breaking a sweat.

Then go out into the world and wink at strangers.

Sincerely,
monstrosity

Dear Godzilla. Someone whom I dated for 4 months recently broke up with me very unexpectedly. I was quite fond of her, though we definitely had  our differences. I feel like she led me on and played with my (usually crusty and scaly) heart. I have a strange feeling of disorientation that is similar to vertigo because I keep swinging back to the idea that we should have not broken up - no the breakup was perfectly timed - no we shouldn't have broken up - no it was for the best. It's emotional ping pong and I'm getting a neck ache from it. I feel simultaneously ambivalent and heartbroken. It's so confusing. Can you please provide me with some sort of mantra that I can use to focus on during this time of confusion? Also, can you give me hope that I'll find a kinky feminist poly pro-choice queer artist to love and be loved by? I'm feeling annoyed and defeated.

 Thanks,

 - Vertigo Grrl

Dear Vertigo Grrl,

My condolences on your recent breakup.  The unexpected ones are always so difficult because they leave you feeling that if you'd only known, you could have done something different and made it work.  Instead, you're left standing in a pile of burning debris, trying to salvage your dignity and your heart.

That feeling of vertigo you describe is normal.  You are trying to deny what has happened while simultaneously trying to accept it.  Of course, time will allow you to accept and the denial will fade.  In the meantime, you must remember that you are strong and mighty, and your heart has recovered before.

Vertigo results from a disturbance in balance.  In order to regain your balance, you must stand up slowly and find a solid place to plant your feet.  Make sure that you choose carefully, as many a kaiju has fallen down again by placing her giant feet on a shifting or unstable surface.  Then you must re-orient yourself and determine where you are.

I suggest replacing "we shouldn't have broken up" with "it hurts that we broke up".  It remains true, but has less distance from "the breakup was perfectly timed", so that you are not shifting between two extremes.  It hurts that you broke up, but it was the best time for it to happen.

Kinky poly feminist pro-choice queer artists may not be easy to come by, but you can be certain that if someone you meet has one of these attributes, they are not unlikely to have the others.  Love is one of those things that happens in its own time and on its own terms.  Keep doing what you do and suitable prospects will be drawn to you.  A monster knows these things in her mighty heart.

In the meantime, eat lots of treats, stomp around smashing whatever must be smashed, and apply plenty of moisturizer to your scaly, crusty heart.

Sincerely,
~monstrosity

Dear Monster,

It is acceptable for me to decide to do jack shit today because I feel hungover rather than clean my apartment? I did make a very complex lunch (though I had pastry issues) and am going to prepare a work assignment for tomorrow. Is that sufficient?

Kisses,

B

Dear B,

Not only is it acceptable to do jack shit when one is nursing a hangover, it is encouraged.  There are those who would tell you that a hangover is your punishment for indulging in sinful activities and you should work hard to redeem yourself, but I am not one of them.  Your body is a temple and it should be treated as such.  In this case, it should be treated as a dirty temple which must be cleaned.

The way to clean your body is to drink a lot of health-promoting fluids, like water, green tea, or tasty fruit juices (but go easy on the sugary ones) and to eat things that your body will find easy to digest.  I suggest brown rice, miso soup, and perhaps some human babies...oh no, wait, human babies are only easy for monsters and vampires to digest. 

If possible, a friend should be found to come over and make you tea and soup and clean for you, and then stroke your head until you fall asleep.  I suggest that you have already done too much by preparing work for tomorrow and making a complex lunch.

Speedy recoveries,

~monstrosity

Photo credit:  http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/gadgets/godzilla-beer-dispenser-225195.php

if someone were interested in send Monstrosity a gift how would they go about it?

 Why thank you, Puny Human.  I do appreciate your generous sentiments.  Monsters are not frequently in need of gifts, but we do love them.  Mailable items should be sent to:

Monstrosity
c/o 47 Arlington Avenue
Toronto  ON  M6J 3K9
Canada

However, my tiny and vulnerable ones, I feel that it is you who is owed presents and sweet surprises, given my recent absence from your lives.  I was wounded and spent a long time in recovery...perhaps too long.  I have missed you.

Ohhh, I am afraid that my weakness has made me sentimental.  Ignore those last remarks.

I am back and intend to update on at least a weekly basis.  For this to happen, I will require more questions.  Please, ask away and I shall advise.

Also, Junior finally got his act together and put our Rome pictures up on my facebook account.  I'm sure you'll see some of them here soon enough, but feel free to check them out if you desire.

Sincerely,
~monstrosity